An Illustrator (October 2010)
18 feet by 50 inches (549cm x 127cm)
Ink on Paper mounted on 5 cradled panels
Mark F. Raymond Collection
I hate Illustration.
I can't believe they don't want to pay me what I asked for.
What am I worth?
I hate freelancing.
They take advantage of me all the time.
Why is the music around me so loud?
Am I going to have enough money to pay my car?
What is Illustration?
What am I doing?
I can't believe I left this thing for the last minute.
Why am I always doing this to myself?
Am I going to snap?
I almost feel like leaving all this behind me.
Should I even write this?
Should I let people know?
What will they think?
Nobody cares.
I put too much on my plate.
I can't pay for the apartment this month.
I'm so hungry.
What has Illustration done for me?
Why do my parents think I don't have a real job?
Why are there so many artists?
Is that why I'm not valued?
I thought I was special once.
Nobody cares.
I need to stop thinking.
I need to get on a schedule.
I love being up at night by myself.
The bank took my car away.
Need a moving van.
I have no money in the bank.
They haven't paid for the assignment yet.
Can't look desperate.
Credit card company is calling me everyday.
The other show has to go up.
My bike needs air.
I can't do this 30 mile ride everyday.
My back is hurting.
I got a Metropass.
Never been on the Metrorail by myself.
Have to look hard.
That guy stinks.
I can't do this.
My brother thinks I'm a bum.
I'm so down.
I wish everything would go away.
Never thought about escaping.
What is everyone going to think?
Nobody cares.
Is this too cliche?
Everything is already done?
Are there any new art periods to belong to?
I don't want to be a stereotype.
I don't do drugs.
No I don't do drugs.
Never have.
i hate drinking.
I need a hug.
Why isn't everything perfect?
I thought I would be great.
If I knew it was going to be like this I would have done something else.
What is illustration?
I want to change the world.
I love the world.
They are gong to rob me.
I need to move my stuff again.
I need to get a van.
I am not perfect.
Do you know that!
I'm a gum that's been chewed up.
I'm not a sheep.
They think I am, but I am not.
That is why I lost those clients.
I don't want to do any more Garbage Pail Kids.
That's what they expect.
I want to do comic books.
I want to do paintings.
Everyone is doing the same shit.
I don't want to be a trend.
I have to be creative.
Unique.
Come up with something new.
Why did that guy say I remind him of that guy in Juxtapoz?
Fuck that guy.
I can't do the flyer.
I don't have time.
At least this guy paid me?
Why does he want a special price just cause he's giving me more work?
If I had a super power I would be invisible.
I'd come up to that guy and slice his neck.
No one would know.
Why does my room mate think I remind her of Dexter?
My door lock says Dexter.
Why do I see these patterns.
I'm not special.
I just want to paint.
Why can't I just paint?
What do they want from me?
Garbage Pail Kids are going to sue me.
They don't want me anymore.
The fans hate me.
They are not my fans they only like that I can paint GPKs.
They don't like my other work.
I'm wasting so much time.
I hate Facebook.
Why do I post things up?
They are going to steal my ideas.
They already stole my rabbit and monster.
I hate those copy cats.
I hate Ugly Dolls.
I hate Donnie Darko.
They should just die.
They are going to think I stole their ideas.
I came up with it in highschool.
No body cares.
I see a millions Yarises everywhere now.
I miss my car.
I hate this bike.
I have to learn to ride a scooter.
This shit is dangerous.
They are going to steal the scooter.
Wynwood is strange.
I have a high fence.
Have to buy chimes to tie on the scooter so
no one steals it.
I have to hold on to something.
They took everything from me.
They keep calling.
Have to send the packages.
I am so late.
Have to make up for the weeks and months.
Why can't I say no to assignments,
This recession sucks.
What is this?
I don't have health insurance.
I need to work out.
I'm feeling tired.
I'm feeling lost.
I don't feel like working.
I know tomorrow I will feel better.
She's so amazing.
I miss my dog.
I have to get him back.
I love you Bubba.
I love you Finn.
My mom works too much.
I need to give her some money.
I don't have any money.
I wish my parents were rich.
Why do I have a degree?
I'm not paying my student loans.
What are they going to do to me?
I don't own anything?
Is that what they think?
Do they really know?
No body cares.
What is Illustration?
I'm not talented.
I work too slow.
I'm just a hack.
I lost my way.
Don't think I'll make it.
What keeps me going.
I love to draw.
My hand hurts.
I hate graphic design.
It really messed up my hand.
I thought I lost everything.
All those girls never loved me.
They didn't know me.
I need to run.
I need to breathe again.
This is not what I wanted to do.
I wanted people to value me.
I wanted to say something.
I wanted to change the world.
Why did I choose this?
Why didn't they tell me it was
gong to be this hard.
How can I make a difference?
I'm overwhelmed with all these assignments.
They aren't even paying me.
Why is everyone so cheap.
I still have bills you know.
I need to go to a park.
I want to just go away.
Miami is expensive.
They don't care about my work.
I sell things for pennies.
I need a big assignment.
I don't want to make changes to the art.
It's perfect.
Why can't they trust my vision.
They want to pay for nothing.
Cheap bastards.
No one is going to buy this.
I'm going to paint over this.
This was suppose to be something else.
I can't make it fit.
I'm on my knees.
I don't believe in anything.
Order and Chaos.
Did someone drink my OJ?
Have to return the broken jar.
It's raining.
Scooter?
Raining?
I fell off the scooter in 8th Street last night.
Road rash.
That prostitute must have died laughing.
It was raining when they took my car.
I was in my underwear.
It felt so horrible.
Why did that happen to me?
This has never happened to me.
I can't draw.
I lost myself.
No one cares.
Must smile.
Can't let anyone know.
Haven't broken a bone.
I don't have health insurance.
This guy is annoying me.
I don't care.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I hate facebook.
The computer crashed.
I'm starting all over again.
I have to rebuild.
I have too many shows lined up.
Captain! Captain!
I can't accept any more assignments.
i had to give them back their money.
They are going to sue me, but I don't have
any money.
Why are they so scared?
Maybe I should have just put this on a blog.
No body cares.
No body freakin cares.
The planet is going to kill us because of these
fucking stupid rich people.
They are so stupid.
They only want furniture art.
They don't care about meaning.
This is so over done.
It's not good feng shui.
This apartment is really small.
It's perfect.
I hope they aren't too loud.
They are overly nice.
I hate roaches on my shoulder.
My dog is not a husky.
I haven't done anything for me in a long time.
I want to take a trip.
I have to finish this thing tonight.
I don't know what to do.
Stop asking me if I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I hate chanting music.
Your peace is my nightmare.
Just smile.
But I do mean it when I smile.
I do like you.
I'm just not happy.
I just need a hug.
I need to feel you.
I'm happy.
I just need to stop doing this to myself.
Illustration has to go.
I can't do you anymore.
You have messed me up.
No it's not you it's them.
Super Capitalism has taken everything away.
You have taken things away from me.
I don't ask for much.
I thank you for opening my mind and humbling me.
You will never know what it feels to be me.
You have no idea how I appreciate things in my life.
I don't know your world.
I just want to paint.
They don't hire illustrators anymore.
They just use stock.
The Illustrator is dead.
I am dead.
I am a street vendor.
You treat me like nothing.
I will never let you do this to me again.
I have to draw a million panels tonight.
I have to be amazing.
I have to make them like me.
I have to be great.
I love this chanting around me.
I love her eyes.
Everyone is so good.
I can feel the warmth of the sun.
Can't think bad.
I don't want Bubba to ever go away.
He's so beautiful.
I love my dad.
This is not what I thought it would be.
It's fine.
It's just another month gone by.
I think things will work out.
I have enough money to pay for things.
Just don't say anything.
Just be nice.
Just think before you say anything.
Maybe I shouldn't put this up.
They are only going to remember the bad.
I am just a part of the puzzle.
I am not the center of my world.
I am a part of everything like a cell in a life form.
1 in a million.
That's right.
I am special.
Maybe no one cares.
But I know the ones that matter do.
I don't need to be down.
I just need to draw.
It's due tomorrow.
That's fine.